Tonight, I might have been running out to buy a shower curtain that could actually support my substantial weight — as opposed to the cheap plastic Lowes tension thingy that we currently have. But instead, I have fallen back on the coping skills [e.g., resigning oneself to fatalism, searching for the humor in Pitt’s struggles, and laughing at the misfortune of others (hiya Domers)] that many of us Panther fans who sat through the really dry spells (e.g., the early 70s, late 80s, and early 90s) developed long ago. So here’s 7 things that are keeping me smiling while I’m still trying to wrap my head around that epic battle between Pitt and Nebraska: two teams equally and passionately determined to lose a football game by any means necessary. Unfortunately, in that ultimate, critical, “eye-of-the-tiger” moment, Nebraska lost its focus — accidentally winning. Wussies.
7. That Brent Musberger was assigned to that abortion of a game: Many of you know how deeply I hate Brent “Bandwagoner” Musberger. Thus, it was almost soothing to listen to him struggle with the banality of the aforementioned struggle. He finally resigned himself to calling it a “goofy game” at the very end. You could almost hear him screaming “stop the inanity” as ABC went to commercials.
6. That Josh “Sunshine” Cummings smart but failed attempt at intentional grounding took Musberger’s attention off of the real screw-up, Mike McGlynn’s wild-assed snap into low Earth orbit: Nuff said. What a heartbreaking way to end a game. I’m still pissed.
5. That Lee Corso was finally right about Notre Dame: As Chas would say, put this in the even-a-broken-clock-is-right-twice-a-day file. For, well, three weeks now, the man who made Indiana University what it is today (a basketball school) has been infuriating Notre Dame fans worldwide by steadily picking against them. Heck, even my man Herbstreit was teasing Coach Corso about not drinking the Domer cool-aid this morning. But alas, who’s laughing now pretty boy?
4. That Boston College has finally been properly welcomed into the ACC: Did anybody else catch the six or seven BC fans who actually showed up for ESPN’s College Gameday this morning chanting “A-C-C! A-C-C!” over and over again? Did anybody else remember us Pitt fans using a similar chant as the Eagles left Heinz Field last fall after fumbling away a win in overtime? Just savoring the irony. You’ll never win a league championship again, you two-faced cowards.
3. That at least a sixth of Beaver Stadium was empty for the clash of titans that was Penn State vs. Central Michigan (it’s in Mount Pleasant, Michigan, and you bet your ass I had to look that up). Trust me, for the the first year EVER, televisions here in Altoona and throughout Central PA are just littered with ads imploring us to please, please reach deep into our hearts and pockets and buy Penn State football tickets. That ALWAYS cheers me up.
2. That Anthony Morelli still looks like a frightened and confused twelve year-old kid wearing his dad’s three-sizes-too-large football helmet: OK, so I’ll admit, the kid’s throws looked pretty freakin’ impressive today. Very fast and largely accurate. But only against the aforementioned Central Michigan Chippewas (I had to look that up too). Despite Fox Sports Pittsburgh’s repeated attempts to convince me that CMU was somehow a juggernaut, the Chippewas defense sucked, period. I’m still waiting like a kid on Christmas morning for the opportunity to see Morelli throw against Ohio State or Michigan. A.J. Hawk will use that twerp’s body for a divining rod before the end of October.
1. That A Few, Brilliant, Michigan State Spartans took post-game celebrations to a whole new level: More than anything else, watching Michigan State upset Notre Dame at home (thus beating the Irish five times in a row in South Bend) helped pick up my spirits again after the Pitt-Nebraska debacle (especially given the Domer a-hole who sat behind us in Heinz Field two weeks ago). But even that was nearly topped by the post-game celebration, during which a few Spartans took the Michigan State flag from their cheerleaders (green with a white block “S”), ran out on to the field, and planted the sucker on the fifty yard line while thousands of Notre Dame fans booed and howled. Call me sophomoric (and I am), but I thought it was laughing-till-my-sides-ached hilarious. Why hasn’t anybody ever thought of planting a flag on an opponent’s field before? It clearly beats jumping around on his logo. And of all places to invent the practice. Almost immediately, Lou Still-A-Domer Holtz was nearly jumping out of his seat on ESPN demanding that MSU “show some class” and “act like you’ve been there before.” Admit it, Lou. It was funny. Especially because they did it to your Irish.
I hope this made a fellow Panther smile a little. Just don’t try to hang yourself on one of those cheap plastic Lowes tension shower rods. They hurt like hell when they let loose and come down on top of your head.
Hail to unconsciousness.
