August 30, 2012

The Return of the Biquarterion

Filed under: Uncategorized — Panther Rants Collective @ 1:46 am

The Biquarterion is a group of once powerful Big East mascots. They meet in Mike Tranghese’s old clubhouse. They control absolutely nothing and don’t plan on it in the future.

Viewer Discretion is Advised……


  YAY! In about 12 months those assholes will be gone!

  And we’ll be more competitive in league play!

  Man….15 million big ones…plus the 20 mill from that inbred in Morgantown and 5 from that Frog in Fort Worth

  So how do we split this us up amongst us?
  What do you mean?

  Well Golden Eagle and Blue Demon aren’t here…shouldn’t they have a say?

  Uhh there’s a reason for that….for now we need be humane about this.
  So we’re covering this up?   Why?

  Not really a “cover up”…we just didn’t tell them.

  Who’s the architect behind this plan?

  I am.   Is there an issue?

  Well yeah……Catholics aren’t really good at covering up things these days.
  Well I tried to hire some consultants out of Central PA, but they’re being questioned and one of them died.

  Don’t worry guys….I got this… one will ever know!

( knock on the door )

  Who is it?

  It’s your motherfuckin’ daddy.  Let me in….I want to see your surprise.

  I really can’t stand him sometimes.

  I’m sorry…did you say something missy?

  Uh no….nothing at all.

  Good! So what’s the good news?

( Shows the money )

  They’re gone?


  Great job guys!  I told you fuckers that South Florida added nothing for basketball!

  Yeah…..screw them….

  And who the hell needs Depaul and Marquette?  Let them play in the Patriot League!

  Uhh yeah…Sure!  Screw them!  Right guys!

  Hell yeah!


  Oh Yeeeeahhh!

(Blue Demon and Golden Eagle Enter the Room)

  Oh I see you guys came to get your belongings.  Happy Trails assholes!
  Have you been drinking again?

  What do you mean?  This is a members meeting.

  I don’t see any alcoholics here…All I see is some catholics and pirates looking to confess their sins to each other

  Yes and you’re neither so get out

  I’m a catholic….

  No, you’re a pussy and open about it.  We’re in the closet.

  I don’t get the hostility.  We are members and you’ll have to learn to accept it.

  Uh guys left…remember?
  Oh shit…..

  What…what the fuck?!?!?


  Hey I sent it out to the right people. I have my own customized distribution list.

  Did you update it?


  Oh….I’m sorry….

  Jesus Friar….

  Hey..stop it..

   We give you something of importance to accomplish for first time since the 80’s and you pull this shit!

  Stop it, or I’m going to tell Mike on you guys!

  So what the hell?  Who left?

Well West Virgina left…..

  Oh who needs those hicks anyway.  Who else?

  Syracuse and Pittsburgh are leaving but not til next year…


  What the fuck?!?  See this is why I can’t let you guys run the conference….because you pull shit like this.  Syracuse?!? You let Syracuse leave?!? Pittsburgh??!?!   We’ve been playing them forever in football!  It’s an automatic win for us almost every year!  You know what screw you guys…..I’m out.  (Irish storms out)

(Meanwhile in Greensboro….Phone rings)


Editor’s Note:  Roc and Orange are copyrighted characters from “The Octonion” by

   Oh shit…it’s Irish….what do we do?

  Peppercorn Steak Hoagies!
  Otto, this ain’t the time for this!
  Bacon Flavored Fun Dip!


  Shit…..(Picks Up the phone)  Irish!  Hey Buddy…

  Look asshole….you and that little fruit better bring your asses back here!

  Well we can’t….we paid the fees…..

  You guys leave after all we’ve been through?!?  You couldn’t take me with you??!

  You never want to pay for gas or anything……or play in Birmingham….

  I’m not getting off this phone….until you give me an explanation….
  Let me see…Otto wants…to talk to trollie!

  Otto…this is serious

(Otto takes phone)

  Otto want rub jewel on trollie belly!

  I’ll give you something to rub, you little shit.

  Okay Irish, fuckface. First, take a big step back… and literally fuck your own face! I don’t know what kind of East Coast bullshit power play you’re trying to pull here, but East Coast, Jack, is our territory. So whatever you’re thinking, you’d better think again! Otherwise we’re gonna have to head down there and we’ll will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You’re gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. We’re talking scorched-earth, motherfucker! We will massacre you! We will fuck you up! [hangs up] Let’s go see what Blue Devil and Tar Heel are up to?


I laughed so I hard I almost choked on my water.

Comment by Lou Gagliardi 08.30.12 @ 2:56 am

I just peed my pants… Hilarious

Comment by Pitt2Cali 08.30.12 @ 7:39 am

A bit funny, but just a bit.

A LOT crass.

‘Fuck your own face’??? Really??? I’d rather not read these things if they continue to channel Dice Clay

One can be funny without sophomoric vulgarity.

Comment by pghFred 08.30.12 @ 7:45 am

pghFred – the post warned you: “Viewer Discretion is Advised…”

That’s usually a pretty big clue that some crassness will follow. And sophomoric can be refreshing once in a while. Besides, this whole post is in the same tone as the Octonion posts, which Nunes has been putting out for years now.

Comment by Jon 08.30.12 @ 8:19 am

Jon – You are correct. I was warned.

Hopefully going forward the ‘warnings’ will continue and I’ll know NOT to read ANY of these type of posts. I had enough of this type of language from Hoopie fans when attending Pitt-WVU games.

Comment by pghFred 08.30.12 @ 8:40 am

While this may be the same “tone” as put out on other sites, it is clearly NOT the level I’ve come to expect from PITT BLATHER.

Iknow, I know… I was warned… I saw the warning and the word “a**h*l*s” appears in the opening of the post. But the use of much stonger language – and with such frequency – was well beyond what I expect from this site.

I’ll be sure to heed the warnings in the future but I hope this is not a sign of the overall “tone” of this site in the future.

Comment by ME 2001 08.30.12 @ 9:02 am

man lighten up… if you have been here before you don’t see that language at all. (barely).

Take this as a joke… something different then the typical post.

Comment by Snala The Panther 08.30.12 @ 9:15 am

Kinda funny. I much rather see the quality content that the Blather has been putting out than this fucking vulgar shit.

Comment by Bones 08.30.12 @ 10:03 am

I agree. Let other sites stoop to this level of idiocy. Pitt Blather was always a legitimate news and opinion site with a good degree of respectability. Allowing these types of posts will just turn it into another annoying blog in the wasteland of the internet that most of us ignore.

Comment by Jamie H 08.30.12 @ 10:12 am

This post is not at all informative. It is vulgar and it is not really funny. This is not up to your standards. I am ready for some FOOTBALL.

Comment by Houston Panther 08.30.12 @ 10:16 am

Hey, no one ever said the expansiopocolypse didn’t come with growing pains.

Read on.

Comment by Benzene 08.30.12 @ 10:30 am

It sure is different, isn’t it?

Comment by Reed 08.30.12 @ 10:37 am

I tend to agree with Houston Panther and the others who’ve posted similar reaction. I’m no prude, but the above content is a significant departure from the personality and material I’ve come to anticipate-associate with Pitt Blather.

I like the idea of diversifying the staff and broadening the scope of the blog, just not quite in this way…

Comment by Neil 08.30.12 @ 11:03 am

Long time reader – first time poster.

As stated in an earlier blog post: check the writer of the blog post.

Panter Rants (when they did post on their own blog) where sometimes not for the faint of heart.

Comment by PITT-cocks fan 08.30.12 @ 11:56 am

It was great! Not quite up to the Octonion but that’s a high standard. Keep it up. Looking forward to the ACC mascots too.

Comment by CalvinHobbes 08.30.12 @ 12:26 pm

I’ve been waiting for months & months for a new episode of the Octonion to come out…thanks for giving me a fix! It is more in the spirit of the Panther Rants site, so not sure why you didn’t post it there unless it was created by a different group of people using the Panther Rants title. You could post it there, and just link to it from this website, so not to offend the Blather purists.

Really funny though…keep ’em comin!

Comment by Hank the Tank 08.30.12 @ 12:55 pm

Hank – there is no more living “Panther Rants” website and the principals have migrated to The Blather as Chas stated yesterday.

Comment by Reed 08.30.12 @ 1:09 pm

Yeah Hank – pay attention!

Comment by Yeti 08.30.12 @ 1:47 pm

Please, less (like, zero…) F-word next time. It’s beneath you, and doesn’t add anything.

Comment by Imma Man! Im 40! 08.30.12 @ 1:50 pm

An f-bomb or two is fine, we’ve all done it.

But this was over the top.

Comment by pghFred 08.30.12 @ 1:56 pm

please it was very good as long as it is just every now and then no harm done it was well done.

Comment by FRANKCAN 08.30.12 @ 2:31 pm

I have no problem with it. I hear those kinds of words on the golf course all the time..usually coming from me.

Comment by longsufferingpittfan 08.30.12 @ 3:12 pm

It’s like this site went from Time magazine to Cracked magazine over nite!!

I can take an f-bomb or two, but I hope this isn’t the new normal.

Comment by Dan 08.30.12 @ 4:22 pm

What, you scoured a middle school somewhere??

Now, that effin’ comment is effin funny!!!

Comment by Dan 08.30.12 @ 4:28 pm

Meh. I can take it or leave it.

Perhaps shortening it a good bit would help

Comment by Chuck Morris 08.30.12 @ 7:01 pm

To me, the most offensive fucking thing about this whole spoof is that it is probably more fucking close to the effing truth than what has been let on. So if your delicate little tampon sensibilities can’t handle this kind of truth there is an outlet.

An outlet of gumdrops and rainbows and where nary a discouraging word and trust need not apply. Penn State. You know? If you are offended, take it up with Franco and LuInanso. Later chiefs. Fuck.

Comment by owtahear 08.30.12 @ 8:29 pm

Wow, Chas, looks like they brought some of the middle school posters with them too.

Comment by Dan 08.30.12 @ 8:32 pm

@Chuck Morris, shortening it, and maybe, making it funny?? I hope the kids didn’t spend too much time making this up. Well, obviously, they didn’t!!!

Comment by Dan 08.30.12 @ 8:37 pm

thought it was different and funny. everybody was warned..

Comment by goalie44 08.30.12 @ 8:49 pm

Hey everybody lighten up! Things have been getting so tense leading up to the season that we need this. Sure its has vulgarity which could be toned down without compromising the humor. The point is its a freaking hoot! Besides my grandkids aren’t going to see it and I doubt that any of yours are. Enjoy. Go Pitt!

Comment by opfim 08.30.12 @ 9:41 pm

My delicate sensibilities can take it, here ya go, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck….cooool!!

I didn’t think it was funny, and it seemed like something a teenager that was trying too hard wrote.

If you’re gonna write and post, can’t get your sensitive knickers in a twit everytime someone criticizes your attempt at humor.

Closer to the truth?? WTF?? Closer to the truth than what????

Shit, shit, ass, ass, 7734, 7734, 7734, 7734

If you’re offended, I’m sure Walgreens carries some Massengill!!!!

Comment by Dan 08.30.12 @ 10:12 pm

Definitely sensing a change in tone based on some of the comments above. Hopefully, it’s just a few posters getting their kicks typing swear words on the internet for the world to see. “Look Mom, I’m all grown up now that I can say f*** online!”

Fortunately the posts under the other headings haven’t been affected yet.

Comment by ME 2001 08.30.12 @ 10:42 pm

Outstanding material…one or two of these posts a week works for me…added benefit no JoeD post…lol

Comment by Marco 08.30.12 @ 11:25 pm

Holy shit lighten up…nothing wrong with a little humor and some news …and just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t…

Comment by Tsingtao44 08.31.12 @ 1:21 am

I think a bit of context is in order:

The most vulgar part is the end (IMO), which is an altered quote from the modern classic Tropic Thunder. Tom Cruise in his best role —
link to

I debated if I really needed to point it out, but I realized some might be over 50 and/or given up on Ben Stiller. Understandable.

Comment by tacocat 08.31.12 @ 2:29 am

Do you call that JOURNALISM?? Do you call that SPORTSWRITING?? I just wasted a minute reading that (to be charitable) STUFF. Please, let us get back to football or at least, TAKE THE DAY OFF!! Rev. George in Columbus

Comment by Rev. George Mehaffey 08.31.12 @ 8:16 am

Not funny. Not that I’m offended because you used the F word. It just wasn’t funny, in my opinion.

Comment by EveryLoyalSon 08.31.12 @ 9:11 am

@ME, yes I do too. I know you realize my post was mocking the initial post filled with garbage.

However, I like you, seem to feel this expansionocalypse or whatever, brought a few new posters along too.

Which is good. More people, more opinions, and yes, this is Chas’ blog, so he can do what he wants.

Like the one post, “don’t get your sensibilities in a tampon uproar”, or “if you don’t like it, go somewhere else”, I’m paraphrasing, not even scrolling 12 inches up to read it again…

Ya, I’m a big boy, it’s minor, but we never talked that way to each other. Even when we had disagreements, never had that tone.

Not an old fuddy duddy, only in my mid 40’s. I hear it everyday, and frankly, I drop an f bomb here and there.

Just came across as amateur hour and not expected on this blog.

Perhaps it was just a one-time spoof and that’s not really how they roll????

Comment by Dan 08.31.12 @ 9:41 am

@Tsingtao44, sure that may be the case, but those of thus that didn’t like it, are still allowed to give our opinions, aren’t we??? No??

Comment by Dan 08.31.12 @ 9:48 am

Meh. This post just reminded me why I never visited that old Panther Rants website. This was clever to a degree, and mildly amusing initially. But after a while it was just profanity for the sake of profanity. No value added. I agree with Dan — amateur hour.

Comment by JCE 08.31.12 @ 9:53 am

I found it pretty funny and got a big laugh out of it. Hopefully we can all get along and those who don’t want to read it will skip it and those of us who find it humorous will read future posts.

Comment by FTM 08.31.12 @ 2:27 pm


I know that my post came directly AFTER yours, but I did not intend it to be directed TOWARD yours. I was responding in general to several of the posts above.

I caught the fact that you were doing some tongue-in-cheek mocking of some of the above post. I’m very sorry if I came off as attacking you, I did not mean to do that. Unfortunately “tone” is very subjective when posting.

I am in the same age bracket as you, but I WOULD consider myself a fuddy-duddy. I truly cannot remember the last time I swore. HOWEVER, I understand that swearing is common for the vast majority of people and I would never tell you not to swear. Frankly, its none of my business. I read this site every day and have seen many people use swear words – usually just to emphasize a point. I understand how that works.

So it’s not the USE of swear words that I take issue with. Rather, it was the ABUSE of those words (particularly the f-word). It took a skit that was mildly amusing and dragged it down to moderately offensive.

My intent is not to attack the author – nor tell him what to write – I was just expressing my surprise regarding language that I cannot remember reading on the site in prior posts.


Comment by ME 2001 08.31.12 @ 4:22 pm

No problem whatsoever ME. Not being sarcastic, have seen you post before, and sincerely meant, that you would know I was tongue in cheek.

We’re good brother. Hail to Pitt!!

Comment by Dan 08.31.12 @ 4:25 pm

LOL. That was funny as hell.

Comment by Chris 08.31.12 @ 4:35 pm

Are there more of these?

Comment by Chris 08.31.12 @ 4:37 pm

You must be one of the authors!! LOL!!

Comment by Dan 09.01.12 @ 9:21 am


Now THAT was funny! I actually did laugh out loud…

Maybe you can help them write the next installment.

Comment by ME 2001 09.02.12 @ 12:14 am

i thought it was funny as hell. pitt fans should have a better sense of humor, considering all the misery we’ve been through.

Comment by Me 09.03.12 @ 3:00 pm

Someone should tell Otto that Blue Devil and Tar Heel cannot be entirely trusted. They serve their own little “mini-universe” in which they are the only programs in America that play basketball, (and occasionally football).

Comment by Chuck I. 09.04.12 @ 11:44 pm

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