April 11, 2012

Jeff Long Gets a Phone Call

Filed under: Uncategorized — Chas @ 4:58 pm

Arkansas Athletic Director Jeff Long sits alone in his office. It is the morning after firing football coach Bobby Petrino. He is still physically and mentally exhausted from the events. He is reviewing some paperwork.

The phone beeps.

: Yes?




Secretary: Sir, you have a phone call on Line 3.


(wearily): Carol, I said I did not want to talk to any boosters or reporters right now. I just need some quiet and the soothing peace of low-grade administrative paperwork.



Carol: I know sir, but it is Oklahoma AD Joe Castiglione… your friend and old boss… And…

: It’s okay, Carol. Yeah, I’ll talk to Joe.

[Pushes a button on the phone.] Joe, good to hear from you…



Voice on the phone: Jeffy, finally! It’s not easy to get to you. That secretary of yours is a tough one to crack. She may have to go as we make the changes for Arkansas!

: Um, you aren’t Joe. Who is this?




: Todd Graham, your next football coach, the Good Lord willing! Oh, sorry about the trickeration there, Jeffy. It just took a some doing to get to speak to you.



: Uh, Mr. Graham…




: See, that’s why you are the kind of guy who I need to work with, all class and dignity. “Mr. Graham.” Heh, that’s so classy. I gotta say, the way you handled things last night, that was pretty. Not the way I would have done it — woulda mentioned the Good Lord a couple times and talked about family, but we’ll work on that soon enough.



: Look, Mr. Graham…




: So how soon can you get a plane down to Tempe for me. We gotta put the pedal down and move fast before anyone gets wind and distort what is such a perfect situation with lies and innudos.



: Innuendos.




: Excuse me?




: Innuendos. Not innudos.




: Whatever, the point is, we can’t waste any time on this. Get that charter down now for me and Penni!




: Who?





: Penni! My wife! She never lets me go anywhere without her. Hold on, she’s right here. I’ll put her on!




: Wait, I don’t —




: Hi there Jeffrey! We can’t wait to get back to Arkansas! We love it there! We have family there, and I just love WalMarts. Plus, the people there are so genuine. So much like us, not like these people in Tempe! We can’t wait to be part of the family in Fayetteville. My Toddy is so perfect for this! He’s so excited and we all are. I already got him a new tie and shirt combo that’s perfect for tonight. Our youngest just loves the Razorbacks. We just got him his mini-me Razorback costume, and he wears it all the time. He’s just so cute. Give me your cell and I’ll send you a pic.


: No, uh —




: It’s not a problem — What? Oh, here’s Toddy!




: Ain’t she something, Jeffy! I love her so. Not like the mothers of my other kids.

So you get that charter set yet? We’re rarin’ to go. Timesa-wastin’, you need to get me up there today, so we can have that press conference tonight.


: Press conference?




: Yeah, Jeffy! We gotta move on this to announce I’m the new head hog at Arkansas. And I gotta tell you, while you got that whole dignity and class thing down we gots lots to do. Put me up there tonight and I’ll show everyone just that you are decisive, innovative and brilliant — because you hired Todd Graham. It’s brilliant because no one knew what you were doing! Decisive, because you saw the guy you wanted and got him immediately — ignorin’ that lyin’ Pittsburgh-biased media.


[shouting in the background]: And snobby! Especially the those elitists back in Pittsburgh!




: Ah, got it, Penni-drop!

Look, Jeffy, I’m a guy who tells it like it is. I know there are some skunks in the media who make a big deal out of mah takin’ off for Arizona State after less than a year in Pittsburgh — which was in no way like leaving Rice for Tulsa in 11 months as well. It’s just that mah family comes first and they didn’t like it. [Starts to speak in hushed tones] And truth be told, they don’t really like it here in Tempe either. Turns out living that close to mah in-laws was not a great idea. Not like Arkansas. [Voice picks up again] Just ask anyone not in Pittsburgh, Tulsa or Houston. Everyone loves me because I am so real. Nothing fake about me. Nosirree!

: Look, uh, Todd. I haven’t even thought about who the next coach of the Razorbacks will be yet. I’m just starting —




: Allright Jeffy, you want to do some interviewin’ with me. Gotta make sure I’m the right guy, just for the Arky president, right? Okay, well, I’m ah High Octane guy. I am all about putting the pedal down, gettin’ in the left lane and chargin’ ahead. I’m a no-nonsense kinda guy that brings order and discipline everywhere ah go. Ah cleaned up the mess at Pitt in one season, even if they don’t ‘preciate all ah did for them. That guy Wannstedt had no control. He —


: [coldly] Dave Wannstedt is a friend of mine, and I hired him at Pitt.




: Did I say Wannstedt. Nah, I meant Steve Pederson. The AD was always meddlin’ and ah know ole’ Dave was tryin’ to keep them boys in line, but Pedey kept overrulin’ him. Anyways, Jeffy, unlike that Petrino guy I ain’t gonna be steppin’ out and dippin’ my pen in any Hoggette or cute blonde in the office, ’cause I’m a family man. Family, God and coachin’. That’s my life.

Ah love my Penni-drop. Ah learned from the mistakes made in mah previous marriages. Ah didn’t make the mistakes, but ah learned from their mistakes. I will say how much it hurts me to think that those women don’t think of me the same way I see myself, but that’s in the past. Besides, mah Penni doesn’t let me out of her sight for too long. Somethin’ about not lettin’ a dog off the leash, I think.

: [In the background] You got that right!




: And I coach the same way! We are high octane and exciting! Go! Go! Go! All the time! On both sides of the ball! My system is perfect for any team!



: I thought your system was a spread-based, and didn’t you struggle badly at Pitt with trying to go from a pro-style to it?




: Ah adapt the players to fit it! The players are love it! Ah, just had a little trouble with the quarterback. He just didn’t have it all goin’ on between the ears, you know. That was not my fault! The system works everywhere I go! I mean, mean my system works with any type of player. Ah can see that the Arkansas players would be a natural fit!



: Look, Todd, I really am not —




: Shoot, Jeffy, you want to ‘gotiate now? You are a good one! Allright, welp I heard ole’ Bobby was making somewhere around $3.5 million? Tell you what, since this is mah dream job I’ll give you a discount. $3 million for six years. Plus, since it is the job I have dreamed of since growing up in Texas and watchin’ Arkansas in the SWC, the buyout should be big enough to show mah loyalty. Make the buyout a whole $10,000 plus a gift certificate to Cracker Barrell! We can work out the other details later, but that should be enough between men of honor like us.

: …




: You still there Jeffy? Probably could knock you over with a feather, ’cause you’re so surprised by mah generous terms. Ah, guess you didn’t know Todd Graham is such a great guy to work for, er, with.



: Mr. Graham, I’m not trying to negot–



: One other thing, Jeffy. We gotta do something about the facilities.




: The facilities are in the midst of a major upgrade thanks to several years of fundraising and the recent success. The facilities are–



: Are in need of some minor revisions! Look, Jeffy, I’m all about presentation and appearance. We gotta put on a show for the boys that come to Arkansas! They gotta see some sparkle and shine. Gotta dazzle them so they believe that Arkansas is where they belong! Ahm thinking glitter balls and big stuff like a giant stuffed Razorback right in front of mah office — oh, and that’s got to be expanded. They gotta see that there’s money at Arkansas! In fact, I think we need diamonds stitched right onto the walls. Mah wife, Penni loves them home renovation shows, and she got some doozy ideas to make sure the recruits see the money flowin’ around here. They gotta know that the coach is loaded and that he is doing it because he loves them. That he has the money and doesn’t really need to be here. You following me?

: No.




: Well, we’ll work on that later, Jeffy. There’s time since I don’t ever want to leave my dream job. Not when I got family there, and it’s so close to mah momma back in Texas! You know I’m from Texas, right?



: That really isn’t —




: Naw, I know Jeffy, you just want to be sure how much I love Arkansas. I gotta tell you how humbled I am to be associated with the Razorbacks! I love the history of Arkansas. To be associated with greats like, Matt Jones, Peyton Hillis, Darren McFadden, uh Clyde Scott, and um Brandon Bulsworth.



: Are you just reading names out of the media guide?



: Aw, don’t worry Jeffy, I’ll have it memorized by the time we have that press conference tonight! Let’s get that plane down here!




: Okay. OKAY! Just get to the Tempe airport by 3pm. The plane will be waiting for you. Use the name Mr. Bigglesworth.




: That’s what we wanted to here! I got some texts to send! I’ll call you later!





Jeff Long hangs up. He pushes another button on the phone.

: Carol, don’t let that idiot get through again or you’re fired.




Carol: Yes sir.

Um, I have to warn you sir. Butch Davis was spotted on the campus.


: …




hhahahhahhahaha “hoggette” lol too funny

Comment by pk 04.11.12 @ 5:10 pm

This is no exaggeration: the VERY FIRST thing that popped into mind when I heard the Petrino news was an image of Fraud holding an Arkansas jersey!

Comment by Chuck Morris 04.11.12 @ 5:33 pm

Too funny! What the he.. was Patrino thinking? Bobby finally got his comeuppance. Living in metro Atlanta, I certainly don’t feel sorry for him or the Hog’s. Arthur Blank got the last laugh. Of course, Arthur has his own problems.

Comment by MariettaMike 04.11.12 @ 6:10 pm


Comment by steve1 04.11.12 @ 6:16 pm

Great piece of work, Chas!

Comment by dinosaur 71 04.11.12 @ 7:50 pm

good stuff

Comment by Matt_Miklasevich 04.11.12 @ 8:20 pm

Well played, Chas!

Comment by Gopitt33 04.11.12 @ 8:50 pm

Not bad

Comment by Frankcan 04.11.12 @ 9:21 pm

Well done Chas. I love how you got Penni into the conversation. And, Texas of course.

Comment by TX Panther 04.11.12 @ 9:39 pm

One of the funniest things I’ve ever read on Pitt Blather!

Comment by Lou 04.11.12 @ 10:46 pm

I admit to a google search for Petrinos Scooby Snack. What was Petrino thinking someone asked.

Well it all starts with the brain lodged in a spot common to leaders in Arkansas. Bill Clinton used the small brain as have countless others including Mark Anthony, JFK and of course, the patron saint of small head thinking, Mr. Charlie Sheen.

Oh my Lord the stupid things men do with good thing about the late Joe Paterno…he was so ugly, that was never an issue with him.

New bumper sticker for the fall..”Honk if you’ve been married to Fraud Graham”.

Comment by SFPitt 04.11.12 @ 11:05 pm

Nearly Black-Heart-Gold-Pants worthy. Good stuff.

Comment by Lee in Altoona 04.12.12 @ 12:10 pm

hahahaha classic!

Comment by JAM 05 Pitt 04.12.12 @ 12:13 pm

Nice one… though it would be much more humorous if there wasn’t a legitimate possibility that it could actually happen!

Comment by Steve 04.12.12 @ 5:05 pm

Man this made my day.

Comment by Atlanta Panther 04.12.12 @ 6:25 pm

WTFMF (Wiping tears from my face). I hope someone is posting this on an ASU site.

Comment by OHowIHateOhioState 04.12.12 @ 9:41 pm

Awesome post…great great stuff….

Comment by Seveo 04.18.12 @ 5:10 pm

Powered by WordPress ©

Site Meter