Arkansas Athletic Director Jeff Long sits alone in his office. It is the morning after firing football coach Bobby Petrino. He is still physically and mentally exhausted from the events. He is reviewing some paperwork.
The phone beeps.
Secretary: Sir, you have a phone call on Line 3.
Carol: I know sir, but it is Oklahoma AD Joe Castiglione… your friend and old boss… And…
[Pushes a button on the phone.] Joe, good to hear from you…
Voice on the phone: Jeffy, finally! It’s not easy to get to you. That secretary of yours is a tough one to crack. She may have to go as we make the changes for Arkansas!
: See, that’s why you are the kind of guy who I need to work with, all class and dignity. “Mr. Graham.” Heh, that’s so classy. I gotta say, the way you handled things last night, that was pretty. Not the way I would have done it — woulda mentioned the Good Lord a couple times and talked about family, but we’ll work on that soon enough.
: Hi there Jeffrey! We can’t wait to get back to Arkansas! We love it there! We have family there, and I just love WalMarts. Plus, the people there are so genuine. So much like us, not like these people in Tempe! We can’t wait to be part of the family in Fayetteville. My Toddy is so perfect for this! He’s so excited and we all are. I already got him a new tie and shirt combo that’s perfect for tonight. Our youngest just loves the Razorbacks. We just got him his mini-me Razorback costume, and he wears it all the time. He’s just so cute. Give me your cell and I’ll send you a pic.
So you get that charter set yet? We’re rarin’ to go. Timesa-wastin’, you need to get me up there today, so we can have that press conference tonight.
: Yeah, Jeffy! We gotta move on this to announce I’m the new head hog at Arkansas. And I gotta tell you, while you got that whole dignity and class thing down we gots lots to do. Put me up there tonight and I’ll show everyone just that you are decisive, innovative and brilliant — because you hired Todd Graham. It’s brilliant because no one knew what you were doing! Decisive, because you saw the guy you wanted and got him immediately — ignorin’ that lyin’ Pittsburgh-biased media.
Look, Jeffy, I’m a guy who tells it like it is. I know there are some skunks in the media who make a big deal out of mah takin’ off for Arizona State after less than a year in Pittsburgh — which was in no way like leaving Rice for Tulsa in 11 months as well. It’s just that mah family comes first and they didn’t like it. [Starts to speak in hushed tones] And truth be told, they don’t really like it here in Tempe either. Turns out living that close to mah in-laws was not a great idea. Not like Arkansas. [Voice picks up again] Just ask anyone not in Pittsburgh, Tulsa or Houston. Everyone loves me because I am so real. Nothing fake about me. Nosirree!
: Allright Jeffy, you want to do some interviewin’ with me. Gotta make sure I’m the right guy, just for the Arky president, right? Okay, well, I’m ah High Octane guy. I am all about putting the pedal down, gettin’ in the left lane and chargin’ ahead. I’m a no-nonsense kinda guy that brings order and discipline everywhere ah go. Ah cleaned up the mess at Pitt in one season, even if they don’t ‘preciate all ah did for them. That guy Wannstedt had no control. He —
: Did I say Wannstedt. Nah, I meant Steve Pederson. The AD was always meddlin’ and ah know ole’ Dave was tryin’ to keep them boys in line, but Pedey kept overrulin’ him. Anyways, Jeffy, unlike that Petrino guy I ain’t gonna be steppin’ out and dippin’ my pen in any Hoggette or cute blonde in the office, ’cause I’m a family man. Family, God and coachin’. That’s my life.
Ah love my Penni-drop. Ah learned from the mistakes made in mah previous marriages. Ah didn’t make the mistakes, but ah learned from their mistakes. I will say how much it hurts me to think that those women don’t think of me the same way I see myself, but that’s in the past. Besides, mah Penni doesn’t let me out of her sight for too long. Somethin’ about not lettin’ a dog off the leash, I think.
: Ah adapt the players to fit it! The players are love it! Ah, just had a little trouble with the quarterback. He just didn’t have it all goin’ on between the ears, you know. That was not my fault! The system works everywhere I go! I mean, mean my system works with any type of player. Ah can see that the Arkansas players would be a natural fit!
: Shoot, Jeffy, you want to ‘gotiate now? You are a good one! Allright, welp I heard ole’ Bobby was making somewhere around $3.5 million? Tell you what, since this is mah dream job I’ll give you a discount. $3 million for six years. Plus, since it is the job I have dreamed of since growing up in Texas and watchin’ Arkansas in the SWC, the buyout should be big enough to show mah loyalty. Make the buyout a whole $10,000 plus a gift certificate to Cracker Barrell! We can work out the other details later, but that should be enough between men of honor like us.
: You still there Jeffy? Probably could knock you over with a feather, ’cause you’re so surprised by mah generous terms. Ah, guess you didn’t know Todd Graham is such a great guy to work for, er, with.
: Are in need of some minor revisions! Look, Jeffy, I’m all about presentation and appearance. We gotta put on a show for the boys that come to Arkansas! They gotta see some sparkle and shine. Gotta dazzle them so they believe that Arkansas is where they belong! Ahm thinking glitter balls and big stuff like a giant stuffed Razorback right in front of mah office — oh, and that’s got to be expanded. They gotta see that there’s money at Arkansas! In fact, I think we need diamonds stitched right onto the walls. Mah wife, Penni loves them home renovation shows, and she got some doozy ideas to make sure the recruits see the money flowin’ around here. They gotta know that the coach is loaded and that he is doing it because he loves them. That he has the money and doesn’t really need to be here. You following me?
: Well, we’ll work on that later, Jeffy. There’s time since I don’t ever want to leave my dream job. Not when I got family there, and it’s so close to mah momma back in Texas! You know I’m from Texas, right?
: Naw, I know Jeffy, you just want to be sure how much I love Arkansas. I gotta tell you how humbled I am to be associated with the Razorbacks! I love the history of Arkansas. To be associated with greats like, Matt Jones, Peyton Hillis, Darren McFadden, uh Clyde Scott, and um Brandon Bulsworth.
: Okay. OKAY! Just get to the Tempe airport by 3pm. The plane will be waiting for you. Use the name Mr. Bigglesworth.
Jeff Long hangs up. He pushes another button on the phone.
Carol: Yes sir.
Um, I have to warn you sir. Butch Davis was spotted on the campus.