Here is Coach Chryst’s schedule:
March 14th – Finalize staff plans for the next month. Declare recruiting a disaster and decide not to do it any longer this year. Ask staff to reaffirm commitment to PITT in writing. Ask Joe Rudolph how he developed a sudden wrist injury and can’t sign.
March 15th – Spring practice opens. Watch QB drills where Sunseri amazingly completes his first five deep balls thus cementing his starting job for a third straight year. Make public announcement to that effect. Ask the Athletic Director why the PITT ticket office is suddenly flooded with season ticket cancellations.
March 16th – Hold first official team meeting. Ask anyone who wants to transfer to declare it now. Go looking for Trey Anderson as he had to leave the team meeting to go to the men’s room and hasn’t been seen since. Review the program’s Rules and Standards of PITT Football. Scream at the secretary who forgot to search and replace “Chryst” for “Graham” in the document. Discuss Chryst Amendment #1 which states that any PITT football player(s) who break into a student’s dorm party and beat the crap out of numerous students are required to clean Heinz Field after the next game.
March 21st – Readjust two-deep lineup. Demote Sunseri because he keeps running out of bounds as soon as he gets the snap. Elevate Myers to 1st string on the condition Myers can find his playbook – which is propping up a broken bed leg in his dorm room. Ask Ray Graham if he’s 100% sure he can’t participate in practices; infer he’s a pussy when Graham starts waving his crutch around while saying “I can’t even walk, cracker!”
April 1st – Meet with big ticket donors for a “Spring Practice Luncheon”. Make Corky Cost pay the full bill at Buster and Dave’s when lunch is over. Cancel practice when Chryst has a serious heart attack after Rudolph informs him he’s leaving to be the OC at Temple because he “wants to stay in the Big East”. Start CPR before Rudolph has a chance to yell “April Fools !!!!!!”
April 7th – Analyze and readjust team roster and positional assignments. Due to heavy transfer activity measure Trey Anderson’s height for the tenth time and ask again if he’s ready to be the starter. Xerox and post on campus 100 copies of a flyer requesting that any students who wish to play defensive line for PITT show up at the Southside facilities with shorts, tennis shoes, a jockstrap and their Student Health Insurance Card.
April 14th – Conduct the 2012 “Spring Game” scrimmage. Format will be by Flag Football rules. No touching at all of the RBs, QB (the only one left), and the 18 defensive players remaining on the roster. Ray Graham will be up in the broadcast booth to do color commentary with Pat Bostick Jr and guest announcer Dave Wannstedt, who will provide his unique running criticism of the program and of any Head Coach hired after Dec 7, 2011.
April 15th – Pay taxes as a Wisconsin resident. Start revising resume’ and make numerous drunk dialing calls to all the old football chums asking if their staffs are completely filled. Ask Huxtable to take all the handguns out of the Chryst home and hide them somewhere until March of 2013.
LETS GO PITT!!!!
Did you see the article in the P-G where Chryst’s wife said she can’t find good cheese in Pittsburgh? She was interviewed while decorating their house with blue and gold Easter eggs.
More like collecting the “sum of all our fears” and expressing them in a way even the more critical PITT fan may smile about.
I heard Chryst’s wife was upset about the poor state of Muskie fishing in WPA.
Turning to hoops…clearly under that spell this year…NIT bracketology has us as a 7th seed and playing 1st round against Oral Roberts:
Since we’re parodying irrational fears let me add my own,
“Paul Chryst, after realizing that Tino Sunseri gives the team the best chance to win, begins the first draft of his end of season press release explaining why, even with a home schedule loaded with more cream puffs than an Italian bakery that he still could only manage a .500 win record. I know that its sad, but considering where Pitt football is right now, Temple actually scares me.
Seriously, for all the chicken littles out there, I think this is the year. The final goodbye. The nail in the coffin. I think this is the year God, or Satan, willing that Pitt or Cuse wins the Big East outright.
Mock if you want, laugh because you will, but I truly honestly think we have the coach that can make it happen.
First time I experienced such a monumental 4 year turn around in Pitt football, it was just a magical transformation. I would love to see that again before before I’m dead and gone, why not now. Hope DOES spring eternal.
That offense was just too confusing for the QB and OL.
We have talent on this PITT team and I think that will enable us to have a winning season at least.
Ithought i missed something and my mind was a
mess till i caught on dont do that agein.
you had me going for a short time.
i was looking for the ledge to jump from.
now i have to have a drink to mellow out were is my JD.
I’m heading to Tempe for a few weeks.
Suppose to have a hell of a team this year.
Going after the PAC 12 championship this year, using that as a build up to going after the Nat. Champ. next year!!!
They’re talking about winning, commitment and loyalty out there, that’s what I’m all about!!!
I think I got some maroon around here. Swap the blue out of the blue and khaki outfit, put in the maroon. Good to go.
Did you just channel Fraud Graham there?
I will offer a king’s ransom to the man who can produce a picture (or better yet VIDEO) of the (I believe it was) 2005 selection party where one of the Pitt players (I think it was Chevy Troutman) was wearing a “Booty Call” T-shirt.
Post season?
(C)an’t (B)elieve (I)t….
I really don’t care about it, but, if you are paying to get into a tournament (not questioning that or the money, 60k, I believe, lots of teams do it, it’s been a known tournament for a few years), my question will be……………….
If you’re paying to get some extra games…right….why on earth would Ashton Gibbs or Nasir Robinson ever take the floor?????
Winning the tournament does absolutely nothing for you. Playing some extra games to get the underclassmen some more practice time and game experience, ok, I’ll buy that, then those two should never see the court, right??
I like him as HC so far and think we’ll do well with him at the helm. 2012 may not be a great success, although I think we’ll have a winning season, but going forward I believe we’ll be pretty darn satisfied with him.
As far as recruiting goes I’m not worried about it at this point at all. I researched the last three years of recruiting, 11, 10 & 09 and in each instance we got one commit before May and each of those players were kids already in prep school.
PITT very rarely gets commits until May or June at the earliest. Look at this Rivals.com recruiting link, click on “Commit Date” and have fun. Look back as far as 2007 class, always only one or two kids before May and out of about 25 recruits per year you can see that is nothing.
There seems to be a sense of panic for no reason when in reality we do this same thing every year, so I thought I’d blow that out of proportion.
The only kernel of semi-truth in that post is the thought that if Sunseri is named starter coming out of spring practices there will be PITT fans calling the ticket office.
@Tony C. I got ya, I was somewhat tongue in cheek, but not totally. I hope Jamie mixes some things up, gives some heavy playing time to some guys anyhow. Maybe try some different traps, presses etc. etc. Use it to learn a little about your team, especially the young guys.
I mean, if you’re gonna play some more games, and do the exact same thing, c’mon, call it a season.
I’m as close to a Jamie apologist as anyone, just hoping they use it for next year in some capacity.
And as bad as they were at times, this year, Ashton and Nasir did have good Pitt careers, so benching them was my tongue in cheek.
March 14th as in Chas post, or this Saturday I thought.
Don’t have time to search for it.
Notice Chas, don’t have time to search, but made time to post on your site!!! LOL
Have a good morning fellas, and any ladies who may read. I remember one girl used to post, Olivia I think her name was???
Also, Duquesne, which played in the CBI last year, informed the CBI a few days ago that they would not be interested in participating this year. It should be noted that (A) the Palumbo Center is already scheduled for state playoff games on Tuesday and Wednesday Iprobably draw bigger crowds), and (B) they are hosting the 1st round of the NCAA at the Consol Center beginning Thursday
Given that the NCAA Tournament’s early rounds are played in Pittsburgh, I feel that Pitt lost a golden opportunity, that our nemesis to the south is playing instead of Pitt. Ouch!
Who wants to see Gibbs and Naz play another 35+ minutes.
Practices will be four days a week and closed to the public.
Guys – I’m kind of shocked at how many people took this post seriously. Just shows how on edge all us PITT fans are about the future I think.
