Here is Coach Chryst’s schedule:
March 14th – Finalize staff plans for the next month. Declare recruiting a disaster and decide not to do it any longer this year. Ask staff to reaffirm commitment to PITT in writing. Ask Joe Rudolph how he developed a sudden wrist injury and can’t sign.
March 15th – Spring practice opens. Watch QB drills where Sunseri amazingly completes his first five deep balls thus cementing his starting job for a third straight year. Make public announcement to that effect. Ask the Athletic Director why the PITT ticket office is suddenly flooded with season ticket cancellations.
March 16th – Hold first official team meeting. Ask anyone who wants to transfer to declare it now. Go looking for Trey Anderson as he had to leave the team meeting to go to the men’s room and hasn’t been seen since. Review the program’s Rules and Standards of PITT Football. Scream at the secretary who forgot to search and replace “Chryst” for “Graham” in the document. Discuss Chryst Amendment #1 which states that any PITT football player(s) who break into a student’s dorm party and beat the crap out of numerous students are required to clean Heinz Field after the next game.
March 21st – Readjust two-deep lineup. Demote Sunseri because he keeps running out of bounds as soon as he gets the snap. Elevate Myers to 1st string on the condition Myers can find his playbook – which is propping up a broken bed leg in his dorm room. Ask Ray Graham if he’s 100% sure he can’t participate in practices; infer he’s a pussy when Graham starts waving his crutch around while saying “I can’t even walk, cracker!”
April 1st – Meet with big ticket donors for a “Spring Practice Luncheon”. Make Corky Cost pay the full bill at Buster and Dave’s when lunch is over. Cancel practice when Chryst has a serious heart attack after Rudolph informs him he’s leaving to be the OC at Temple because he “wants to stay in the Big East”. Start CPR before Rudolph has a chance to yell “April Fools !!!!!!”
April 7th – Analyze and readjust team roster and positional assignments. Due to heavy transfer activity measure Trey Anderson’s height for the tenth time and ask again if he’s ready to be the starter. Xerox and post on campus 100 copies of a flyer requesting that any students who wish to play defensive line for PITT show up at the Southside facilities with shorts, tennis shoes, a jockstrap and their Student Health Insurance Card.
April 14th – Conduct the 2012 “Spring Game” scrimmage. Format will be by Flag Football rules. No touching at all of the RBs, QB (the only one left), and the 18 defensive players remaining on the roster. Ray Graham will be up in the broadcast booth to do color commentary with Pat Bostick Jr and guest announcer Dave Wannstedt, who will provide his unique running criticism of the program and of any Head Coach hired after Dec 7, 2011.
April 15th – Pay taxes as a Wisconsin resident. Start revising resume’ and make numerous drunk dialing calls to all the old football chums asking if their staffs are completely filled. Ask Huxtable to take all the handguns out of the Chryst home and hide them somewhere until March of 2013.
LETS GO PITT!!!!